Who Needs To Change?

By Monique Rhodes

January 23, 2022

We all know the story of the butterfly effect. This also applies to our interpersonal relationships. It could be helpful to understand who it is that needs to change.

  • As I listened to your “who needs to change” podcast, I truly put myself into the situation that I’m troubled about, and asked myself that very question… and came away pretty confused.
    I’m buying a house with my son and his family. I’m thrilled and a little anxious too… I discovered his alcoholism that has been going on for the past 20 years – and I only saw the tip of the iceberg… – his wife never mentioned it, neither did he of course.
    And I’m feeling very overwhelmed with this situation… I truly hate seeing him being under influence ! He becomes silly, often belligerent and abusive to his wife !
    I’ve now financially tied myself into our family venture…and am no longer so thrilled by it, except when he’s sober…
    I’m at a loss how I can change myself into “liking”, “enjoying” or even feeling serene by this. I definitely don’t mention anything to him as he becomes extremely belligerent about it…
    What are your thoughts about this situation ?
    (He has become a negative character over time – so very different to when He was a youngster !) I must have been a very blind Mom indeed.

    • I am so sorry you are facing this Sara. So love him. he deserves and needs your love. However, it’s not time for you to change your boundaries. It’s learning how to hold him accountable, have boundaries and not withhold your love. Your son is an addict. He needs to know that his behaviour is not acceptable. You can’t save him but you are also not responsible for him. It might be wise to look at changing the financial agreements you have with him. Does that make sense? 💕

    • Hi Sara,
      Alcoholics are gifted at hiding their drinking from the people who care most; often parents and spouse. Until it becomes too big to hide. Your daughter-in-law is either choosing to stay in denial or has lived with it so long that she’s choosing her own serenity over trying to control her husband, which like Monique says, is impossible. I would suggest a support group such as Al-Anon for Parents of Alcoholics. There are Al-Anon groups all over the world, even in the smallest of towns. Since the pandemic, there’s an abundance of Al-Anon meetings available on time as well. God’s blessings go with you my friend. Al-Anon set me free 21 years ago.

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