Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind Podcast, where we're learning how to be happier by working with our minds.
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When You Don’t Know How to Feel
I’ve been speaking to a young friend of mine who’s going through something big right now. Her relationship has ended, and it’s been really difficult for her.
One of the things I said to her was that it’s important to feel her feelings.
And she said, “Everyone keeps telling me that, but I don’t know how.”
That struck me — because I think this echoes a truth many people carry quietly:
it’s not that we lack feelings, it’s that we don’t know how to feel them.
We haven’t been taught to give ourselves permission —
permission to feel without judgment,
permission to let the heart speak even when the mind is running off with a story.
Living in Between
Many of us live in this strange in-between:
we analyze the pain, we explain it, we strategize around it —
but we never truly let it land.
When we finally allow ourselves to feel, with kindness, something remarkable happens.
The protective shell around our hearts begins to soften.
What once was a wall begins to crack —
and that’s where the light comes in.
This isn’t easy work.
To soften is not to collapse, or to abandon boundaries or discernment.
It’s to refuse the inner war against what’s already happening inside of us.
How to Feel in Practice
Here’s what it looks like — not in theory, but in real life.
You sit quietly.
You name your feeling in the body first:
“There’s tension behind my ribs.”
“There’s a dull ache in my belly.”
You don’t rush to find a cause.
You don’t demand resolution.
You simply see.
You listen.
You breathe.
And in that small moment, the shell doesn’t completely fall away —
but a crack appears.
And cracks are invitations.
Through those cracks come more space, more softness, more room to live.
Trusting Yourself to Stay
Your mind will protest.
It will say, “You’ll drown if you feel this,” or “Stay strong,” or “Push it down.”
But if you stay — just stay a little longer —
you might hear another voice whisper,
“Maybe I don’t need to escape. Maybe I can trust myself to stay.”
And over time, by staying, things begin to shift.
Your defensiveness softens.
You begin to see how often you’ve pulled away from life to avoid feeling.
You realize that numbness isn’t peace — it’s a muted exile from what’s alive and true.
What Lies Beneath
Beneath your hurt, there may be fear.
Beneath your fear, there may be longing.
And as the cracks open, more of your life becomes workable.
If you don’t allow the negative feelings, you also don’t allow the positive.
But when you do, conversations that once felt unsafe become possible.
Relationships deepen.
Choices that once felt paralyzing begin to clear.
You become more present to yourself.
This is the work of softening.
It’s a practice.
You won’t do it perfectly — you’ll tighten again, and that’s okay.
The question isn’t whether you close down,
but whether you remember to return and open again.
Softening Is Strength
In softening, you don’t lose strength — you lose the need to fight with yourself.
You begin to trust your own resilience.
You learn that courage doesn’t always roar —
sometimes it sits quietly, breathing beside your pain.
If you don’t know how to feel, know this:
you don’t need to fix it.
You don’t need to understand it.
You just need to allow it.
Stay with it.
Listen.
Respond not from fear, but from kindness.
And in those small moments,
the shell begins to dissolve,
and life — in all its messy, beautiful truth — begins to open again.
I hope this has been helpful.
If you’re struggling with your feelings, come and join me in The Happiness Club. It’s where the magic happens.
Come to MoniqueRhodes.com, click on Courses, and join for $1 for your first month.
As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
