Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind Podcast, where we're learning how to be happier by working with our minds.
If you'd like to know more about what I teach, come to iintendtobehappy.com and let’s get you started on a path to being happier.
The Misunderstanding of Self-Work
I read an article recently about the idea that inner work is becoming selfish.
It struck me, because in the world of self-development, the message often is:
- Be your highest self.
- Optimize.
- Manifest.
- Set boundaries.
- Take up space.
- Be unshakably whole.
And yes—there’s wisdom in all of this.
But something essential can get lost along the way.
Happiness Isn’t a Solo Pursuit
We sometimes believe inner peace is about fixing ourselves alone.
But what if:
- Your okay-ness is inseparable from how you treat others?
- Your peace is tied to your capacity to be kind—even when it costs you something?
- Your healing is incomplete without contribution?
Happiness, peace, and freedom don’t come from turning inward forever.
They come alive when we turn outward.
The Trap of Self-Absorption
Self-absorption isn’t self-care.
It’s a subtle form of suffering.
When we focus only on ourselves:
- We become more anxious.
- More isolated.
- More discontent.
Science confirms this.
Wisdom traditions confirm this.
And I’ve seen it firsthand with people struggling with depression—healing begins when they start focusing on others.
Boundaries or Walls?
There’s a risk in doing self-work in a vacuum.
It can lead to:
- Blaming others for every trigger.
- Setting boundaries that cut people off without care.
- Believing peace depends on others never disturbing us.
But life is messy.
Relationships are unpredictable.
Strength comes not from curating a perfect world—but from being with things as they are.
The Balance of the Path
So yes:
- Love yourself—but also love others when they’re hard to love.
- Rest and nourish yourself—but also show up when someone needs you.
- Speak your truth—but also listen deeply to the truth of others, especially when it’s uncomfortable.
That’s the bridge.
That’s what keeps self-work from becoming self-obsession.
Where Happiness Really Comes From
Happiness doesn’t come from:
- Perfecting your morning routine.
- Optimizing every habit.
- Repeating affirmations until you believe them.
It rises when:
- Your gaze lifts outward.
- You notice others’ needs, joys, and suffering.
- You loosen the grip on yourself—and step into generosity, compassion, and curiosity.
Lessons from Generosity
I’ve seen extraordinary generosity in places with very little.
- In India, people shared their only food and tea with me.
- A stranger once rode 20 minutes out of his way to help me find paint for my motorcycle.
In communities where people must rely on each other, kindness is not optional.
And there’s a deep happiness in that connection.
The Real Work
The real work is noticing when self-care becomes avoidance.
When boundaries become walls.
When self-healing makes us dismiss others.
Then asking:
- How can I include others in my healing?
- What would compassion look like right now—for both of us?
- Where can I soften my grip on my story to make room for someone else’s?
This isn’t about abandoning yourself.
It’s about not abandoning the world either.
The Teachers Show Us
The greatest spiritual teachers didn’t perfect themselves in isolation.
They showed up for others.
They let their suffering teach them how to love better.
They offered their peace freely.
Maybe the question isn’t How can I optimize myself?
Maybe it’s:
- How can I be useful?
- How can I show up with love?
- How can my growth be a gift to the world?
A Gentle Reminder
In the end, what matters most is not how optimized we became—
But how well we loved.
How open we remained.
Even when it was hard.
Even when we were afraid.
Even when we didn’t know what to do.
So keep your heart open.
And remember—you’re not alone in any of this.
As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
