This is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we’re learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you’d like to know more about what I teach, visit moniquerhodes.com to find out more. I hope I can help you become happier.
The other day, I was playing chess with a friend. We have a wonderful tradition of playing every Sunday night. When we first started, I used to win most of the time. But now, the tables have turned, and he’s consistently beating me. Strangely enough, I enjoy it.
People often assume I’m highly competitive. Maybe it’s because I push myself, show determination, or seem to always be working toward something. But here’s the truth: I’m not competitive in the way most people think. I don’t feel the need to beat others or prove that I’m better. I don’t care if I lose—as long as I know I gave it everything I had.
Take the chess game, for example. When I sit down to play, I focus on giving my best effort and figuring out how to improve. Winning against someone else isn’t my priority. What matters to me is whether I can look back and see progress—whether I’ve learned something new or pushed past a limit I didn’t think I could. That’s the victory I care about.
Competing With Yourself vs. Others
External competition—measuring yourself against others—might seem motivating at first. It’s natural to look at someone else’s success and think, “If they can do it, so can I.” But constantly comparing yourself to others sets you up to chase a moving target. Someone will always be further ahead, more talented, or more successful. The finish line keeps shifting, and you may never feel satisfied.
I’ve seen this play out in the lives of incredibly successful people. Despite their achievements, they often struggle to feel content because they’re always chasing the next goal. That’s why I don’t waste energy comparing myself to others. Comparison doesn’t fuel me—it drains me. When I focus on someone else’s race, I lose sight of my own.
Instead, I compete with myself. I’m not trying to be the best; I’m trying to be my best. And that’s an entirely different game.
What It Means to Compete With Yourself
I don’t mind losing. I’ve been outperformed plenty of times, and it doesn’t bother me—as long as I know I gave my all. That’s the only part I can control: whether I showed up, pushed myself, and kept going even when it was hard. Losing isn’t failure to me. Failure is not trying, giving up too soon, or holding back when I know I could have done more.
Competing with yourself is freeing because the playing field is always fair. You’re not measuring yourself against someone else’s strengths, resources, or circumstances. You’re measuring yourself against your own potential. Ask yourself:
- Did I do a little better than yesterday?
- Did I challenge myself in some way?
- Did I take a step closer to becoming the person I want to be?
If the answer is yes, then you’re winning—no matter what anyone else is doing.
The Power of Internal Competition
When I reflect on my proudest moments, they aren’t the times I came in first or proved someone wrong. They’re the moments I surprised myself—when I did something I didn’t think I could, or when I kept going even when quitting would’ve been easier. Those moments weren’t about competing with others; they were about growth. And growth is something no one can take away from you.
Focusing on internal competition shifts your goal from being better than someone else to being better than you were before. It’s not about perfection or reaching a final destination—it’s about progress. And progress looks different every day.
- Some days, it’s about showing up when you don’t feel like it.
- Other days, it’s about improving on something you’ve done before.
- Sometimes, it’s simply about trying, even when you’re scared or uncertain.
Letting go of external comparison allows you to celebrate others’ successes instead of feeling threatened by them. Someone else winning doesn’t mean you’re losing. Their progress doesn’t diminish yours. When you focus on your own growth, others’ achievements can inspire you rather than make you feel inadequate.
Why Competing With Yourself Leads to Success
Ironically, competing with yourself often leads to the same achievements people associate with external competition. When you focus on being your best, committing to learning, improving, and staying consistent, you naturally get better. Over time, the results speak for themselves. But the difference is that you’re not driven by the need to prove yourself to others. You’re driven by the desire to grow, which is a much more sustainable source of motivation.
The Only Competition That Matters
At the end of the day, what matters to me isn’t how I stack up against others. It’s whether I can look in the mirror and feel proud of the effort I’ve put in. Did I push myself? Did I keep going when it got tough? Did I grow in some way? If the answer is yes, then I’ve won—whether I came in first or dead last.
The next time someone calls me competitive, I’ll smile and know they’re half right. I am competitive—but only with myself. And that’s the only competition that matters.
I hope this has been helpful. As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
