Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we’re learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you’d like to know more about what I teach, visit moniquerhodes.com for a wealth of information to help you on your journey toward happiness.
Over the past few weeks, I’ve been navigating the profound grief of losing one of my most beloved friends in New Zealand at the young age of 44. It has been an incredibly difficult time. I’ve experienced immense grief and continue to process it. As I always do in challenging times, I’ve been reflecting on how we can reshape the hardest moments in our lives—not by pretending everything is fine or forcing positivity, but by learning how to embrace what happens to us.
Whether it’s a dream falling apart, a personal failure, the end of a relationship, the loss of a loved one, or a moment that feels like utter disaster, these experiences can shape us for the better. There’s a concept called amor fati, or “love of fate.” It’s not about passivity or giving up in the face of hardship. Instead, it’s about meeting life’s difficulties with love, passion, and openness, rather than resistance and discouragement. It’s about saying, “Okay, this is here. How can I work with it? How can I grow from it? How can this make me stronger, wiser, or more compassionate?”
The Challenge of Acceptance
Let’s be honest—when we’re in the thick of a tough situation, the idea of “loving” it can feel impossible. That’s not what I’m asking you to do. When things go wrong, when we fail, or when we lose something important, our instinct is often to resist. I’ve experienced this resistance deeply over the past couple of weeks as I’ve grappled with the reality of my loss. We think, “This isn’t fair,” or “This shouldn’t be happening.” Sometimes, we ask, “Why me?” That resistance is human.
But resisting what has already happened doesn’t change it. If anything, it makes things harder because we’re fighting reality. I’ve had to work on fully accepting what has happened—waking up each day and saying, “This is the truth of my life now.” It’s a painful process, but acceptance allows us to stop fixating on wishing things were different and start focusing on how to move through the challenge.
Loving Your Fate
The idea of amor fati—loving your fate—isn’t about liking pain or pretending it doesn’t hurt. It’s about fully accepting the moment and asking, “This is what I’ve been given—what can I do with it?” Every crisis has the potential to throw us off course, but it also has the potential to reconnect us to ourselves. These moments can push us to find strength, openness, or tenderness we didn’t know we had—or had forgotten.
Think about some of the hardest moments in your life. Perhaps it was a breakup, the loss of a job, or a time when everything you’d planned seemed to fall apart. In those moments, it probably felt like the ground was being ripped out from under you. But when you look back now, can you see how those experiences shaped you?
- Losing a job might have forced you to reevaluate your path, leading to something more meaningful.
- Heartbreak might have helped you clarify what you need in a relationship or discover your own strength.
- A failure might have given you the courage to take risks or taught you resilience in ways success never could.
The moments that feel like wreckage often turn out to be the ones that build us. This doesn’t mean we should wish for pain, but when pain comes, we can meet it differently. Even if we can’t see the growth in the moment, we can trust that the opportunity for growth is there.
The Privilege of Surviving Hardship
There’s a certain privilege in surviving something hard. It’s not a privilege anyone asks for, but when you come through the other side, you’ve changed. You’re stronger, more compassionate, or clearer about what truly matters. These moments of crisis add to who we are—they don’t just reveal our strength; they expand it.
Loving your fate doesn’t mean you have to handle challenges perfectly. It doesn’t mean smiling through pain or pretending you’re not struggling. It means meeting life’s difficulties with a willingness to learn, grow, and let them shape you in ways you may not understand until much later.
How to Practice Loving Your Fate
- Reframe the Situation
When something goes wrong, instead of asking, “Why is this happening to me?” ask:
- What can I learn from this?
- How can I grow through this?
- It’s not about finding instant silver linings but keeping your heart open to the possibility of growth.
- Reflect on Past Challenges
Look back on your life and notice how many so-called disasters led to meaningful outcomes. Maybe it took weeks, months, or years to see, but chances are, those moments gave you tools or perspectives you needed. Recognizing this pattern makes it easier to trust that today’s challenges hold value too.
- Trust the Process
The world doesn’t give us what we want—it gives us what we need. Life isn’t always fair or kind, but every experience shapes us in ways we often can’t see in the moment. Loving your fate means trusting this process, even when it’s messy, painful, or uncertain.
- Move With Life
Suffering often arises from the gap between where we are and where we expected to be. Learning to move with life instead of resisting it reduces that gap. Challenges become part of the path rather than barriers to it.
Finding Strength in the Hardest Moments
The next time life throws something unexpected your way, pause. Instead of resisting or shutting down, ask:
- What strength can I find in this moment?
- What tenderness can I cultivate in my heart?
- How can this experience make me more compassionate toward others facing similar struggles?
It won’t always be easy, but it will always be worth it. When you look back on your life, it won’t be the easy moments that define you—it will be the ones you faced with courage, love, and a willingness to grow.
Remember, the moments that feel like wreckage often build you into the person you’re meant to be. Keep accepting the path you’re on, and trust that you have what it takes to navigate it.
As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
