Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we’re learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you'd like to know more about what I teach, come to moniquerhodes.com, where you’ll find all the information you need to help you get happier.
The Struggle with Boundaries
I recently received an email from a client who shared his struggle with setting boundaries. He wrote:
"I struggle with setting boundaries because I don’t want to disappoint people or seem unkind. But at the same time, I feel drained, resentful, and like I’m constantly giving more than I receive. How do I set boundaries without feeling guilty?"
This is such a common experience. Many of us have been taught, either explicitly or implicitly, that love means self-sacrifice. That being a good person means being endlessly available. That saying no is an act of rejection rather than an act of self-care.
So we fear disappointing others.
We fear being seen as difficult.
And sometimes, we even fear losing relationships if we don’t say yes to what’s being asked of us.
Boundaries Are Rooted in Self-Love
Here’s the truth: Healthy boundaries come from self-love and self-respect.
When you love yourself deeply, you won’t tolerate being in spaces where you are not loved in return. And love isn’t just about words—it’s about action. It’s about how people treat you, how they respect your time, energy, and needs.
One of the biggest misconceptions about boundaries is that they are barriers—walls we put up to keep people out. But boundaries are not about pushing others away. They are about keeping yourself intact.
A boundary is not a rejection. It is a deep commitment to your well-being.
What Boundaries Really Say
Think of a boundary as a form of communication that says:
- This is how I need to be treated to feel safe and respected.
- This is what I’m willing to give, and this is where I draw the line.
- This is how I honor myself while staying connected to others.
Boundaries are not just about protecting your time and energy. They are about protecting your spirit. They ensure that your love, kindness, and generosity come from a place of abundance—not exhaustion.
The Guilt That Comes with Boundaries
One of the biggest struggles people face with setting boundaries is guilt.
That little voice whispers:
"You’re being selfish."
"You’re being mean."
"What if they get mad?"
"What if they leave?"
But let’s look at where that guilt comes from.
- Who taught you that honoring yourself is wrong?
- Who made you believe that love requires betraying yourself?
Guilt often arises when we start rewriting the rules we’ve lived by for so long.
If you’ve spent years over-giving, prioritizing others, and people-pleasing, setting boundaries will feel uncomfortable at first. And that’s okay.
Discomfort is not a sign that you’re doing something wrong. It’s a sign that you’re doing something new.
How Others React to Your Boundaries
If someone takes issue with your boundary, it’s often because they benefited from you not having one.
People who truly love and respect you will adjust. They might need time to understand, but they will not abandon you for choosing to honor yourself.
And those who do?
They were never offering the kind of love that was safe to begin with.
Boundaries Strengthen Love, Not Destroy It
There’s a damaging belief that boundaries push love away—that saying no creates distance. But the opposite is true.
Relationships that require you to abandon yourself are not built on love. They are built on obligation, guilt, or control.
Real love—healthy love—doesn’t demand you sacrifice yourself.
It requires you to be well in yourself.
Real love doesn’t want you to be smaller, quieter, more agreeable, or more available than you truly are.
Real love thrives when people feel free to express their needs.
Real love thrives where you can say no without fear.
Real love thrives when you can be your full self without guilt.
Boundaries don’t destroy love.
They create the conditions for it to be real.
Boundaries Reveal Who Truly Respects You
At the end of the day, setting boundaries will clarify your relationships.
The people who love and respect you won’t leave because you have needs.
They won’t punish you for taking care of yourself.
They will honor your boundaries because they honor you.
And those who resist—who demand access to you at the expense of your well-being? Let them go.
Not because you don’t love them, but because you have chosen to love yourself first.
You Are Not Selfish for Having Limits
- You are not unkind for protecting your space.
- You are not wrong for protecting your peace.
- You are choosing to be in relationships where love moves freely—not through guilt, not through obligation, but through mutual care and respect.
That kind of love?
That’s the only kind worth keeping.
I hope this has been helpful. As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
