Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind Podcast, where we're learning how to be happier by working with our minds.
If you'd like to know more about what I teach, come to iintendtobehappy.com and let’s get you started on a path to being happier.
When People Don’t Show Up
A student wrote to me recently:
“I keep finding myself hurt when the people in my life don’t show up for me in the way I need. I’m always there for them—but when it’s my turn, they disappear.”
Can you relate to that?
I know I can.
So often our frustration doesn’t come from what did happen—
It comes from what we thought would happen.
The Hidden Expectations
We expect:
- A certain tone in someone’s response.
- A level of attention, effort, or understanding.
- To be remembered, thanked, anticipated.
- Support that looks exactly the way we imagined.
But the truth is—
Most of the time, we never actually said it out loud.
Silent Agreements We Keep Writing
We do this all the time, don’t we?
- If I do this for you, you’ll do the same for me.
- If I always check in, you’ll eventually take the lead.
- If I’m hurting, you’ll notice.
- If you care, you’ll just know what I need.
The problem?
We’re holding people to rules they never agreed to—
Rules they often don’t even know exist.
It’s like handing someone a script they’ve never read
And getting upset when they don’t follow it.
Why We Don’t Say What We Need
We stay silent because:
- We don’t want to seem needy or demanding.
- We’re afraid of being disappointed.
- We believe if we have to spell it out, it doesn’t count.
- We confuse “being easygoing” with “never needing anything.”
But what if clarity isn’t a burden?
What if asking for what you need is a kindness—
Not just to you, but to the relationship?
Clarity as Compassion
Most people want to show up well for those they love.
But no one can read your mind.
Even the most intuitive person can miss when they’re guessing.
Clarity may feel cold or confrontational—
But in truth, it’s deeply compassionate.
Because it allows others to succeed in loving you.
What It Sounds Like in Practice
It can be simple:
- When I’m going through something, I’d love it if you checked in more than once.
- I know you’re not a big texter, but it means a lot when you initiate sometimes.
- I don’t expect you to fix anything, I just need you to listen.
- Birthdays matter to me—it’s not the gift, it’s being remembered.
It’s not demanding.
It’s revealing.
It’s saying—This is how I work. How about you?
Closing the Distance
So the next time you feel resentment rising, pause and ask yourself:
- Have I made my expectations clear?
- Am I assuming they should just know?
- Am I reacting to something I never said out loud?
Because often, the frustration isn’t about the person.
It’s about the distance between what we needed and what was offered.
And that distance can be closed with just a few honest words.
The Heart of It All
At the core, we all want the same things:
- To feel seen.
- To feel understood.
- To feel considered.
But to be seen, we must show ourselves.
To be understood, we must speak what’s true.
To be considered, we must give others the tools to love us well.
It’s vulnerable.
It’s brave.
But it’s worth it.
Because when we speak our needs—resentment softens, connection deepens, and love has room to grow.
As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
