Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we’re learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you’d like to know more about what I do, visit moniquerhodes.com. You’ll find a wealth of information to help you get happier—because that’s what I want for you.
The Temptation of Gossip
One of my students recently shared that she struggles with gossiping. She doesn’t like it but finds it hard to stop. This is a moment many of us have experienced—standing with friends, family, or colleagues, and someone starts to criticize or gossip about another person. It might be a passing comment about someone’s choices, a subtle dig at their personality, or even a critique disguised as humor. Without thinking, we join in—adding our own observations, laughing, or agreeing.
For a fleeting moment, it feels like connection. It feels like camaraderie. But we need to ask ourselves: What kind of connection is this really?
The Harm of Bonding Through Negativity
Talking negatively about others as a way to bond is an easy habit to fall into, but it’s also one of the most harmful. It creates a false sense of closeness built on exclusion and judgment rather than understanding and empathy. It erodes trust—not just with the person being talked about, but also with the people you’re speaking to. After all, if you criticize someone in their absence, what’s to stop you from doing the same about them when they’re not around?
This behavior also affects how we see ourselves. When we focus on others’ flaws, we train our minds to look for the negative. Over time, this negativity seeps into how we view ourselves, fostering self-judgment and insecurity. Most importantly, bonding through negativity robs us of opportunities to build meaningful relationships rooted in kindness, curiosity, and shared growth.
Why We Gossip
At its core, gossiping often stems from our deep desire to belong. We are social creatures, wired to seek connection. Gossip and criticism can feel like a quick shortcut to that connection—it says, I see you. We’re on the same page. But this kind of connection is surface-level, fragile, and fleeting. It creates a dynamic of us versus them, leaving us feeling more disconnected from others and from our better selves.
How to Break the Habit
Breaking this habit requires mindfulness, intention, and a willingness to take responsibility for how we communicate. Here are steps to help you shift this pattern:
- Recognize the Triggers
- Pay attention to when and where negative conversations start.
- Is it with certain people or in specific situations?
- Does it happen when you feel awkward or when there’s silence you’re eager to fill?
- Understanding these triggers is the first step toward change.
- Pause Before You Speak
- When you feel the urge to join in, pause and ask yourself:
- What am I contributing by saying this?
- Will it build connection or harm?
- This moment of reflection can help you choose a different path.
- Redirect the Conversation
- If someone else starts a negative conversation, gently steer it in a positive direction. For example:
- If someone critiques a friend, you might say, I actually think they handled that situation really well.
- Setting a tone of kindness and understanding can shift the energy of the conversation.
- Find New Ways to Bond
- Instead of bonding through negativity, seek healthier ways to connect.
- Share a personal story.
- Ask open-ended questions.
- Express genuine curiosity about the other person.
- Connection rooted in positivity is deeper and more fulfilling.
- Focus on What’s Right
- Train your mind to notice and celebrate what’s good. Compliment someone or share what you admire about them. This not only changes your conversations but also shifts your mindset, making it easier to see the good in yourself and others.
- Hold Yourself Accountable
- Changing a habit is a process. You will slip up, and that’s okay. What matters is being honest with yourself, learning from these moments, and committing to speaking with intention and care.
The Power of Kindness
When we let go of the need to bond through negativity, we open the door to more meaningful connections. Kindness, empathy, and curiosity become the foundations of our relationships. Instead of forming bonds over shared judgment, we form bonds over shared understanding and respect.
This shift doesn’t just transform how others see us—it transforms how we see ourselves. Speaking with kindness aligns us with the best version of who we are and reminds us that connection doesn’t require tearing anyone down. It’s about building each other up.
Imagine a Kinder World
Imagine a world where our conversations aren’t driven by criticism but by curiosity. A world where we seek to understand rather than judge, and where our words create bridges instead of barriers. This is the world we can create—one conversation at a time.
It starts with us choosing differently. Let kindness guide your actions, words, and intentions. True connection isn’t built on negativity—it’s built on love, respect, and the courage to lift each other up.
I hope this has been helpful. As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
