Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we’re learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you’d like to know more about what I teach, visit moniquerhodes.com. I’d love to help you get happier—because that’s what I do.
The Challenge of Miscommunication
I recently received a heartfelt letter from one of my students:
"I feel like I’m constantly running into the same problem when I try to communicate, especially with the people closest to me. No matter how carefully I choose my words or how much I think I’m explaining myself, they often misunderstand what I mean. It’s so frustrating because I genuinely try to be clear, but it feels like they hear something completely different than what I intend. When I try to clarify, it sometimes makes things worse. I end up feeling unheard, and they feel upset or confused. How do I get better at making sure what I’m saying is actually being understood the way I mean it? I don’t want to keep running into these same issues in my conversations."
I imagine many of us can relate to this. That feeling of being misunderstood is frustrating and disheartening. You carefully choose your words, maybe even rehearse what you want to say, only for it to land wrong. The other person doesn’t hear what you meant, doesn’t react the way you hoped, and you’re left wondering how it all went sideways.
The Truth About Communication
Here’s the truth: communication isn’t about what we meant to say—it’s about what the other person understood. This is a concept we often miss. While our intention matters, it’s only one piece of the puzzle. What truly matters is how our words are received. Communication isn’t about being right; it’s about being effective. And the real work lies in closing the gap between what we say and what the other person hears.
Why Communication Feels So Complex
Words seem simple and direct, but they’re rarely received in isolation. They come wrapped in:
- Tone
- Timing
- Context
- Emotion
And they’re filtered through the other person’s history, insecurities, and expectations. Cultural differences can also play a role, as I was reminded recently when friends of mine interpreted a joke I made in a way that felt tense to them due to their cultural background. This complexity can make communication feel like walking a tightrope.
You might say something neutral, but it’s received as a critique. Or you might express a feeling, only for it to be misread as a demand. What’s clear in your mind can seem chaotic to someone else.
Adapting for Connection
When miscommunication happens, it’s easy to get frustrated and think, Why don’t they get it? But the better question to ask is, What can I do to make this clearer? Effective communication requires effort and adaptation. Instead of repeating yourself louder or sharper, try saying it differently.
Good communication starts with empathy. It’s not just about speaking—it’s about truly listening. This means paying attention not just to words but to emotions, body language, and even silences. When someone doesn’t seem to understand you, resist the urge to rush in and explain yourself. Instead, ask:
- What did you hear?
- How did that come across to you?
Their response will reveal the gap between your intention and their understanding. That gap is where the work happens.
The Tools of Connection
Here are some strategies to bridge the communication gap:
1. Ask Questions
Instead of saying, “You’re not listening,” try, “How did that come across to you?”
2. Adjust Your Message
Simplify your language, break it into smaller parts, or shift your tone.
3. Use Examples or Metaphors
Paint a picture that clarifies your message.
4. Show Empathy
Step into their perspective and consider how their fears or assumptions might be coloring their perception.
Empathy doesn’t mean agreeing with the other person—it means showing you care enough to understand them.
Turning Miscommunication Into Connection
Miscommunication isn’t failure; it’s an invitation to deepen the relationship. When you work through misunderstandings with care, you don’t just learn about the other person—you learn about yourself. You discover how to express your needs more clearly, listen more deeply, and build bridges instead of walls.
Handled well, miscommunication can create intimacy. It shows the other person that you value them enough to try again, meet them halfway, and ensure they feel seen and understood.
The Goal of Communication
Communication is an art, not a science. It’s messy, imperfect, and beautifully human. The goal isn’t to say the perfect thing—it’s to create connection. And connection requires effort: stepping back, reassessing, and sometimes letting go of the need to be right in order to be understood.
A Final Reflection
The next time your words don’t land as you hoped, pause and ask yourself:
- What can I do differently?
- How can I say this in a way that truly reaches them?
Communication isn’t about perfection—it’s about presence. It’s about building trust, understanding, and connection. And with the people who matter most, that’s priceless.
I hope this has been helpful. As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
