Hi, this is Monique Rhodes. Welcome to the In Your Right Mind podcast, where we're learning how to be happier by working with our minds. If you'd like to know more about what I teach, come to moniquerhodes.com. You'll find a lot of information there about how you can get involved in learning to be happier.
I had one of my students come to me, and she said she was struggling because she was constantly seeking approval and validation from other people. She knew this wasn't helping her to be happier, but she just didn’t know how to do it differently. This is an important question because we live in a world that's always pushing us to achieve more, to stand out, or to be admired. It’s easy to get caught up in trying to impress other people.
We often put a lot of energy into curating our lives to look a certain way, especially with social media, posting highlights and hoping that people will notice and appreciate what we've accomplished. But if we're honest with ourselves, these moments of validation often feel fleeting. A friend might give us a thumbs up or a compliment, but before we know it, everyone, including us, is back to their own lives, focusing on their own priorities. There’s a truth I often share with my students: most people spend as little time thinking about our lives as we do about theirs. It’s not because people don’t care, but because everyone has their own world to manage.
This realization can seem discouraging at first, but it’s incredibly freeing. When we recognize that people aren’t constantly evaluating or judging us, we can let go of the need to perform or impress. Instead, we can focus on what really matters: creating real value in others’ lives. When we focus on adding value rather than seeking approval, we step into more genuine and lasting forms of happiness.
Think for a moment about the people who have had the most impact on your life. It’s probably not those who tried to impress you with flashy achievements or an impressive lifestyle. It’s likely those who showed up for you in meaningful ways—someone who offered advice that shifted your perspective, a friend who listened when you needed it, or someone who helped you during a tough time. These people leave a lasting impression because they offered something real and valuable. They weren’t trying to impress; they were there to support, uplift, and connect.
When we focus on bringing value rather than trying to get likes and validation, something shifts in us. We become more authentic, more ourselves. People can sense when we’re genuinely invested in making a difference, and they are naturally drawn to that. Ironically, we often become more impressive when we stop trying to impress people. Authenticity stands out, not because it’s loud or attention-grabbing, but because it’s real. Real connections resonate more deeply than a carefully crafted image.
If we focus on value rather than image, we can transform our relationships. When we’re not seeking validation, we’re free to connect with people in more genuine ways. Our relationships become spaces of mutual support, exchange, and intimacy rather than stages for performance. In a world where social media often brings us into performance mode, choosing to connect authentically allows us to learn from each other, lift each other up, and share happiness rather than compete for it.
This doesn’t mean we should give up on our ambitions or striving for success. But I suggest shifting our focus so that our goals align with what we can contribute, rather than achieving solely for the sake of getting approval. When our drive for success is motivated by a desire to give and create meaning, it becomes infinitely more fulfilling. Our achievements are richer because they are grounded in something real and lasting.
Choosing to create value also changes how we approach setbacks. When our sense of worth isn’t tied to others’ reactions, failures don’t feel as devastating. Instead, we see them as steps on the path, as opportunities to learn, grow, and serve others better. Focusing on value builds resilience because we’re not constantly seeking external validation. External validation is fickle and unreliable. Instead, we need something internal, something deeper—our desire to make a real difference.
This shift isn’t easy because we live in a world that encourages us to perform and stand out. I see this especially in how young people are often encouraged to perform, even at a young age. But if we move away from that mindset, it can feel vulnerable. However, the rewards are worth it. If we choose to live for connection rather than applause, we can build a happiness that’s grounded, stable, and deeply fulfilling. Without the highs and lows of others’ opinions, we feel rooted in knowing that we’re making a positive impact in our own unique way.
If you're looking for more happiness, consider letting go of the need to be admired and instead lean into the desire to make a difference. By showing up with kindness, sincerity, and a willingness to give without seeking recognition, you’ll find a deeper sense of peace and a quiet, enduring happiness. Happiness isn’t found in how we’re seen—it’s found in the lives we touch and the impact we make. And that kind of fulfillment is what truly lasts.
As always, be kind, take care, and go gently in the world.
